When I was active in addiction, my life was a nightmare. But it only becomes a nightmare very, very slowly, in fact so slowly that you convince yourself its not happening. I can remember days wishing I would just die, that the burden of feeding my addiction had become too much. Once your addiction gets an appetite yo really learn who is in charge. As the saying goes "first the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man."