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When you finally get what you want... and its not what you thought it would be. Not at all

Expectations can be a dangerous thing. It seems to be a very human thing to expect things. To place some target in the future of how things will be and what it will feel like. In my opinion doing this is sometimes the only way to get there. I used to persevere through a 4 hour daily commute because I wanted to prove something. It may be more accurate to say I wanted to earn something. I had earned an administrative position at one of the best high schools in new york city, and man was I proud. Up at dawn, racing to the car, the train, the subway, the school. Looking back it was an incredible accomplishment at such a young age. That being said, it wasn't what I wanted. Sometimes if enough people think something is great it can fool you into believing its great for you. i can remember that high, where my own intuition for what is best for me is overshadowed by the feelings and opinions of others.  For so long I thought achieving a prestigious position would be the be all -end all of existence. That every puzzle piece would fall into place and all insecurity or self-doubt would fall away. The problem with painting any target in the future or grand accomplishment you are working towards is "what the hell do I do now?" The hard work and dedication you used to propel yourself to this point have suddenly lost their purpose. I suppose its natural to do this to a certain extent, but it can be really dangerous. When this happened to me i stalled. I too a long and deserved sigh of relief and decided it was time to rest on my laurels. More importantly, I lost my reason to be grinding and pushing. I lost my fight. My senses shifted from the inside to the outside. Rather than drawing on my spirit and my reasons for fighting, the outside voices, comments and perceptions grew louder and closer. They were deafening. I hadnt really stopped to consider if this would be right for me. I had a new marriage, a baby son, and a responsibility to help support my family. So I blindly took the leap into a job I really didnt fit in. I let my sense of responsibility drown out my own intuition and personality. i tried very hard to fit a round peg into a square hole. I convinced myself that it would fit, eventually, and consistently stopped listening to my heart. There is a very real price we pay for that. Your feelings are trying to tell you something. Listen now or listen later!  They will be heard. The result of this ignorance in my case was to slowly fade away into opiate addiction and alcoholism. I wasnt comfortable doing what I was doing, and I knew it. I tried to make myself comfortable by self-medicating. I fell away from my wife and child, my friends, everyone. That is a dark place to be. This lesson has been painfully made. I listen to myself and what my purpose is. I keep the reasons for living focused in my heart and not on other peoples arguments or opinion. Relying on your internal compass is a safer path. And as for expectations, I try to focus on the journey. Don't focus on the top of the mountain, just the step in front of you. I find there are a lot less falls that way.




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